AMD’s perfect CEO candidate revealed by KitGuru

Using KitGuru's ring of global spy satellites, we have managed to piece together the job description for Dirk Meyer's replacement as CEO. It does not really look like a normal job description, but we're certain that this the basis of AMD's search for an ideal candidate. KitGuru prepares to reveal all.

OK, so what would you look for in AMD's next CEO?   Smart, articulate and able to prove that you have built multi-million dollar companies from scratch on several occasions. You know. A track record and ability to communicate a message.

This job spans the globe, so an understanding of everyone from your humble American chain store buyer to a hardcore Taiwanese FAB would be nice. Not sure how many times we'd like this candidate to have spun around the globe, but they need to be at home in Tokyo, Moscow, Shanghai and Dubai.

The person will be working around the clock, so let's go for young, fit and no children (avoid the whole ‘who is the strange man kissing mummy' scenario when he finally returns to the family home for Christmas).

Unfortunately, the list of candidates with this list of skills and experience is pretty big.

Inside the AMD boardrooms, talks have been held in secret. Well, almost. One thing we know for sure, is that there is a ‘perfect candidate' for the role. Someone who could genuinely get the job done. But there's a big problem.

Based on what KitGuru's spy satellites have picked up, we've created this list of experiences/characteristics. Just to show that we're not completely bonkers, we've also included some of the logic behind having each requirement.

Read to the end for the true revelation!

Experience/Characteristic		What does it add to the ‘ideal candidate' ? .
Experience of a wide variety of mind altering substances		Stimulate people at their most basic level and you start to tap into their most fundamental needs & thoughts desires. Helps you understand desire.
. Must have shaved your head at least once in your life		. Radical change outside can stimulate change inside. Let the world see that you are different and embrace the change. Don’t be afraid to stand out. Candidate must be prepared to put aside his chinos and polo shirt.
. Stuck a needle into an electric socket or put a battery on your tongue .		. Shows that the candidate is prepared to try anything, exhibit the most risky behaviour, if they believe that it will give them an experience that others haven't had.
Rebellious at school and college		If you always respect authority, then you will work according to authority’s rules. People who follow the rules are sheep and sheep don’t lead.
Have considered changing a deal after it's signed		. Might not seem like a nice thing to do, but a willingness to move the goal posts like this could make a huge difference to long term profitability
. Education needs to have include multiple classes in different disciplines		. Someone with class credits in cooking, physics and needlepoint, for example. With the broadest education possible, this person will be able to unite clever ideas from a variety of disciplines to create new and innovative business solutions.
. First real job needs to have been for a major brand		. There's small company thinking and big company thinking. While being a shop keeper is noble, you need to have started with the big boys early on to stand a real chance
. Get a girl pregnant and refuse to believe she’s yours		. Make a mistake, a big one, then refuse to accept that it has happened at all. This could be crucial when standing in front of investors later when a project has bombed.
. Dress like Jesus		. Even if it's just a one off, for a fancy dress party or similar. Remember, in this business, you will need to have an ego big enough to believe that you are the chosen one and that millions of customers and investors should follow you wherever you lead.
. Drive the fastest road car you can can find		. It’s a fast world, everyone else needs to be prepared to keep up with you.
. Wear suits to shock people		. Every now and then, play the Fortune 500 CEO role – just so people know you can. You don’t have to live that life, but once things start moving along quickly and your share price rockets, the sad old investment bankers will need to be able to visualise you as the pinnacle of business prowess, even if you prefer getting stoned.
. Friends of your enemies must be cut out/destroyed		. You really need to be able to hold a grudge. No matter how long it takes, if someone has stuffed you – you need to get them back – in spades. The same goes for people who have been stupid enough to comfort your enemies. Never take sides against the family.
. Understand that presentation is everything		. You must believe that how cool your product looks is at least as important as how well it works. As a person, you will also need to hold an audience. CEOs work in show business
. Be prepared to create the advert before the product		. If you have no idea how the advert will look, what are you bothering with? The new leader must be able to drive his people to create stunning adverts with unbelievable specifications and scary prices. Then actually make it happen.
. Get into bed with anyone who can help you		. If Intel is ready to pay nVidia for graphics and buy its own operating system, then there are no barriers. The CEO must find whatever deal will give you the win.
. Call your enemies out for a public fight, often		. Forget being a nice chap. Call out the opposition and make sure they know that you are right and they are wrong. When you actually carry it off, Wall Street will follow you and your stock price will ramp right up.
. Bed famous women in stunning locations		. Unless you understand what the dream looks like, how the hell can you sell it? Men in boring suits with boring families need not apply.
. If you’re going to marry, then at least sleep around a lot		. If you really, really have to have a real wife, then the least you can do is bang everything else that moves. The constant need to prove yourself with women and colleagues needs to be brought into the business environment. Win, win, win.
. Dress like a pirate		. You are NOT the market leader, so don’t pretend to be. No one wants a mini-me. The public loves a rebel, a pirate, an underdog who will fight hard and dirty against overwhelming odds and carry the day. THAT is what they will buy shares in.
. Launch an expensive chip that is slower than the market leader		. Now remember what that bitter taste of complete failure feels like. Use the embarrassment as a fire to stoke the flame of creativity and hold that vendetta close to your heart. Must be prepared to laugh in your enemy’s face when you win
. Tell people that they have screwed up, publicly		. Forget this behind closed doors stuff, we’re looking for someone who will put the CPU team in front of the GPU team and explain just how poor they were. Anyone who gets upset is encouraged to leave because you can’t win with losers.
. Suck up to politicians		. No matter what you say, politics is where the real money and power are. Be prepared to schmooze world leaders.
. State that Intel’s poor technology makes you sad		. If you can’t do better, then why are you in this industry?   If you are genuinely that much better, then isn’t it nice to feel bad for the other guy?
. State that cost cutting is a fools game		. You need to believe that AMD has the right number of people working for it, and that adding or taking away people won’t help. Innovation is everything and that’s what you put at the heart of the company. If you out-innovate the other guy, then you can win – no matter how large the opposition is. Simply render all of their hard work out-dated. Instantly, you have won and they look like they’re floundering. As your stock ramps, theirs will plummet and you have won.
. Upset everyone so much that they want you dead		. If your board does not sack you, then you are not trying hard enough. Look for a leader who does not let little things like being sacked get in his way. Considering it ‘yet another challenge’ and fight your way back in. Just think of the fun you will have when you return to sack the bastards who got rid of you.

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That's a dramatic table, surely not what an AMD CEO selection committee would look for, or is it?

Well, by now you've probably guessed that this list describes all/most of Steve Jobs. According to Wall Street types who hunker after Apple's ‘trillion dollar company' target, Jobs (at his prime) would be top of anyone's list of people that they want to run their company.

First, can you imagine what AMD's board of CEO selectors looks like ?  We're assuming Texas millionaire club types, impeccably dressed, who look like they have led a very safe life in the banking sector, steadily building their individual net worth. They might put Steve Jobs on top of their ‘Fantasy CEO' list, but we don't imagine that they would ever actually employ him.

Now there's the challenge. A proper challenge.

KitGuru says: AMD is up against the biggest company ever in the history of chips, the people who literally wrote the book on computer architecture. If you had to win against these guys, to out market and out innovate them, who would you pick?  Unless AMD can change the game, the entire organisation will be dancing to Intel's thene. Do AMD's processor engineering teams have a Sandy Bridge killer waiting in the wings?  Can they out-Atom the Atom?  Will they pull the covers back the phone chip that all mobiles, everywhere, simply must have?  Tough assignment. Even tougher is picking the person to demand those things from the engineers and force them to deliver. We're watching attentively – alongside the rest of the tech world.

Comments below – especially suggestions as to who should take over.

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